I’ve been writing so much my right wrist started hurting so i put my dads brace on. But since its too big i have to find a smaller one even though it kind of fits stretched to the max to fit snug enough. I iced my wrist to reduce swelling because i slept without it for half the night. Then i put it on the rest, but i had to take ibuprofen for the pain. So im typing instead so i don’t only use my right hand.
I was going to attempt to write with my left hand but i couldn’t remember which way a lowercase a needed to turn. Quick fail on that one. Had to have my brother do the dishes since i can’t use my good hand. and after im done typing a little more, i will try to peel an orange, 2 clementines.
I had the flu first week of this month. I couldn’t take my noon or sleep meds because my stomach wouldn’t keep the chemicals down. So i had bad hallucinations, was very buzzed and felt light headed even though i wasn’t. Couldn’t sleep except for 3 hours before waking up and immediately throwing up and tons of dry heaving. Threw up so much my throat burned with acid. Dad had to look up ways to keep liquid down without the stomach pushing it back up, since not even peppermint tea helped. He found out that when babies where dying from dehydration from diarrhea from sicknesses, the mixture of warm water, sugar, salt and baking soda helped keep them hydrated while also keeping the stomach acid neutralized so they lived. You drink it like water and it Was the only thing my stomach kept down. I lost 5 pounds of liquid. Ended up at 213, i started at 218. I am overweight, but it still was bad how i lost it.
My mom and i went to Ikea about a week ago to get a table im using as a laundry table and laundry baskets at BB&B. i have been using them. I put my cats cave on it and she loves it. There are more things i want to write about but i already did in my journal, and i can’t because of someone using others whether they know it or not. And i can’t confront them because of the warning signs that have been identified, so if i tell them i know, then it won’t end well. Kind of like telling a narcissist everything doesn’t evolve around them. They could take it badly. Dad also said some admit that they are the best because they think its a good characteristic to think positively about.
Personalities are so complicated. Which is difficult when you like in a household with depressed people who also have anxiety and the outside tell them they’re “letting their depression get to them”. At the family my sister now lives with, one of the girls has had “severe” depression longer than i have. But she does things that most severe depressed people can’t do. So, d i view her as that depressed? To be honest, no. She hasn’t harmed herself, she goes to work, she doesn’t lay around because its disabling her. She may just be doing a great job at hiding it and pushing it away. Good for her. But some people act as if depression and PTSD is like a choice to get rid of. I say, if we have the chance to get rid of it, don’t you think we would have by now?
Also, don’t treat it like its a cold…if you say “can’t you just be happy?” or “just don’t be depressed?” its like saying “can’t you just get over this cold?” “can’t you just get rid of your sore throat? Its not a choice. Its a chemical imbalance in our brain. We can’t control that. IF we could control our brain, don’t you think everyone would be perfect and sickness would just be gone? “Come on cold flu, i don’t want to deal with you today so go away!” And it just goes away?
With mental illness, we learn to live with it. Meds help fix some of the chemical imbalance. But we have to put our own work into the rest. Some days will be better than others, some days will be worse than others. Suicide is not a cry for attention, suicide is when you feel like nothing is going to get better and you’re being a burden on others by being depressed or anxious and you know it annoys them at times. Especially when they aren’t even understanding and don’t respect your limits. Then they think, why not just end it all? If i just feel like crap all the time, and im no use to others, it won’t matter if i leave.
But there is a saying “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation” Yes, time may feel like it drags on longer and slower, but after this life there’s paradise. I personally hate the saying “there’s only one way to go when you hit rock bottom, go up” Because some people feel rock bottom is too hard so that’s why they kill themselves. Or rock bottom may feel like forever and you don’t want to wait to climb out of the hole. That takes effort and some people think the effort isn’t worth it. Or when you are out of rock bottom but the surface isn’t what you want.
So you’re stuck with what you have and since you aren’t at your lowest, you feel stuck. Others think you’re progressing even it its small steps. You keep subconsciously comparing yourself to others who either are doing what you want to be doing, or doing more in life, like having a family, learning to drive, graduating high school. You’re then told you’re doing the best you can. Which sometimes feels like an attempt to make you feel better. But when you become envious, you end up using that phrase on yourself. That you can only do what your limitation allows you to do.
And that becomes frustrating. When i want to go out weekly to hang out with friends. Or drive to pick them up and know how to do sales math. To finish projects within months and learn photography. Go to the meetings regularly.But instead im stuck at home because im too anxious to go out whenever i want to and my mom has to drive me everywhere or my sister has to pick me up. I can’t take any classes, not only because it means being around strangers, but would i be able to graduate from a fun class despite not graduating from high school? Im 24, 6 years since when i should have graduated. The only way i can get a GED is to do a general test. That is meant for everyone, no special needs that i know of. And when i was still seeing Nicole, she told me that they made the test a little harder so that its more reasonable. more realistic.
But now its time to eat so im going to post this and if i see mistakes later, ill adjust.