Posted in Uncategorized

Friday april 28 2017

I’ve been writing so much my right wrist started hurting so i put my dads brace on. But since its too big i have to find a smaller one even though it kind of fits stretched to the max to fit snug enough.  I iced my wrist to reduce swelling because i slept without it for half the night. Then i put it on the rest, but i had to take ibuprofen for the pain. So im typing instead so i don’t only use my right hand.

I was going to attempt to write with my left hand but i couldn’t remember which way a lowercase a needed to turn. Quick fail on that one. Had to have my brother do the dishes since i can’t use my good hand. and after im done typing a little more, i will try to peel an orange, 2 clementines.

I had the flu first week of this month. I couldn’t take my noon or sleep meds because my stomach wouldn’t keep the chemicals down. So i had bad hallucinations, was very buzzed and felt light headed even though i wasn’t. Couldn’t sleep except for 3 hours before waking up and immediately throwing up and tons of dry heaving.  Threw up so much my throat burned with acid. Dad had to look up ways to keep liquid down without the stomach pushing it back up, since not even peppermint tea helped. He found out that when babies where dying from dehydration from diarrhea from sicknesses, the mixture of warm water, sugar, salt and baking soda helped keep them hydrated while also keeping the stomach acid neutralized so they lived. You drink it like water and it Was the only thing my stomach kept down. I lost 5 pounds of liquid. Ended up at 213, i started at 218. I am overweight, but it still was bad how i lost it.

My mom and i went to Ikea about a week ago to get a table im using as a laundry table and laundry baskets at BB&B. i have been using them. I put my cats cave on it and she loves it. There are more things i want to write about but i already did in my journal, and i can’t because of someone using others whether they know it or not. And i can’t confront them because of the warning signs that have been identified, so if i tell them i know, then it won’t end well. Kind of like telling a narcissist everything doesn’t evolve around them. They could take it badly. Dad also said some admit that they are the best because they think its a good characteristic to think positively about.

Personalities are so complicated. Which is difficult when you like in a household with depressed people who also have anxiety and the outside tell them they’re “letting their depression get to them”. At the family my sister now lives with, one of the girls has had “severe” depression longer than i have. But she does things that most severe depressed people can’t do. So, d i view her as that depressed? To be honest, no. She hasn’t harmed herself, she goes to work, she doesn’t lay around because its disabling her. She may just be doing a great job at hiding it and pushing it away. Good for her. But some people act as if depression and PTSD is like a choice to get rid of. I say, if we have the chance to get rid of it, don’t you think we would have by now?

Also, don’t treat it like its a cold…if you say “can’t you just be happy?” or “just don’t be depressed?” its like saying “can’t you just get over this cold?” “can’t you just get rid of your sore throat? Its not a choice. Its a chemical imbalance in our brain. We can’t control that. IF we could control our brain, don’t you think everyone would be perfect and sickness would just be gone? “Come on cold flu, i don’t want to deal with you today so go away!” And it just goes away?

With mental illness, we learn to live with it. Meds help fix some of the chemical imbalance. But we have to put our own work into the rest. Some days will be better than others, some days will be worse than others. Suicide is not a cry for attention, suicide is when you feel like nothing is going to get better and you’re being a burden on others by being depressed or anxious and you know it annoys them at times. Especially when they aren’t even understanding and don’t respect your limits. Then they think, why not just end it all? If i just feel like crap all the time, and im no use to others, it won’t matter if i leave.

But there is a saying “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation” Yes, time may feel like it drags on longer and slower, but after this life there’s paradise. I personally hate the saying “there’s only one way to go when you hit rock bottom, go up” Because some people feel rock bottom is too hard so that’s why they kill themselves. Or rock bottom may feel like forever and you don’t want to wait to climb out of the hole. That takes effort and some people think the effort isn’t worth it. Or when you are out of rock bottom but the surface isn’t what you want.

So you’re stuck with what you have and since you aren’t at your lowest, you feel stuck. Others think you’re progressing even it its small steps. You keep subconsciously comparing yourself to others who either are doing what you want to be doing, or doing more in life, like having a family, learning to drive, graduating high school. You’re then told you’re doing the best you can. Which sometimes feels like an attempt to make you feel better. But when you become envious, you end up using that phrase on yourself. That you can only do what your limitation allows you to do.

And that becomes frustrating. When i want to go out weekly to hang out with friends. Or drive to pick them up and know how to do sales math. To finish projects within months and learn photography. Go to the meetings regularly.But instead im stuck at home because im too anxious to go out whenever i want to and my mom has to drive me everywhere or my sister has to pick me up. I can’t take any classes, not only because it means being around strangers, but would i be able to graduate from a fun class despite not graduating from high school? Im 24, 6 years since when i should have graduated. The only way i can get a GED is to do a general test. That is meant for everyone, no special needs that i know of. And when i was still seeing Nicole, she told me that they made the test a little harder so that its more reasonable. more realistic.

But now its time to eat so im going to post this and if i see mistakes later, ill adjust.












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So, what about now?

Its been 4 days since i saw my peer mentor who suggested i get my own space set up in my sewing room for my own toaster oven and hot plate, but i haven’t told my dad yet. When i saw the progress he’s got going in the garage, makes me want to wait until he’s at a good break point. He has been meaning to work on the garage for years, so now that he is, i don’t want to drag him away from that. My plan for this month was to clean the sewing room completely until i have room for the promised projects, then i added that plan. But i haven’t touched it this month at all and next month was going to be focused on working on a friends skirt. So i can’t say i’ve been lazy, but i have a terrible problem with motivation.

I find i have a lot of great ideas but i always start and never finish. That’s my dads “genes” won’t say my last name, but that’s the problem with our family. I started making miniature kitchen utensils but i never got to baking them. I tried started practicing guitar but realized my bust is too stinking big to hold it up where it needs to be. I also was in a phase of jewelry making, but that was also short lived.

Now with this Youtube channel plan, i know if i want to succeed in entertaining and helping people, ill need to be some what consistent. I am subscribed to a women who posts about every 6 months to a year. But i want her to post more, especially since she lives at home and doesn’t work. I know my problems AT THE MOMENT are not enough money for good quality videos, and not knowing a good editing app. I have lots of ideas, but i can’t make them if i can’t upload. And i know its pretty pointless to record and store 10 videos without editing and posting them. Not enough memory and that will be hours of editing, i’ve watched enough videos to know how long it takes to edit a video. Depending what its about- game isn’t as hard as makeup tutorial or haul.

I think i’ve mentioned before that i want to have a wide variety of videos, ranging from video games, to mental health, to makeup, DIY nails, miniature creations, sewing, jewelry. MAYBE vlogs, if i did that it would be vacations such as Disneyland. Rides, shops, not including  my family. I think it be best to leave them out, so it be less worry some if people saw them. Ive seen videos of people riding at Disneyland and i want to do that. Because since i haven’t been there since 2011, maybe 2014, but there’s a sticky note pad on the fridge from them that says 2011. So i love watching videos to satisfy my want.

Ironically, when we went there the last time it was because i was watching a lot of those videos and i nervously and hopefully asked my dad if we could go because the videos “made me miss Disneyland and i was just wondering if we could go “soon”” so my dad checked with his dad and he gave us the money to go. At the time, i didn’t know how much it cost, but i was a little guilty and embarrassed knowing that it came from his pocket.

Posted in Uncategorized

Disneyland in 6 years

The last time my family and i went there was 2011.

Ironically, when we went there, it was because i was watching a lot of those vacation or tour videos and i nervously and hopefully asked my dad if we could go because the videos “made me miss Disneyland and i was just wondering if we could go “soon”” so my dad checked with his dad and he gave us the money to go. At the time, i didn’t know how much it cost, but i was a little guilty and embarrassed knowing that it came from his pocket.

I say 2011 was the last time because we have a sticky note pad from Disney on the fridge that has that year on it. 6 years is a long time for anything to change- 1 ride is the same but the theme is different. What used to be Twilight Tower of Terror is now based of Guardians of the Galaxy. I won’t lie, i like that movie, but as my brother said “the “boss” is in charge of what goes on, and since he loves the movie, he decided to change it”…WHAT THE HECK? “even though Twilight of Terror is a show that is a big favorite to everyone, the owner changed it because he wanted to”

I told my mom who was driving us that we should go ride it one last time before it changes, i was serious and mad about that guy…not only did she say we don’t have the money at all, but my brother said that the ride was open for the last time 2 WEEKS from that day…was i mad??YES I WAS MAD AND STILL AM. I only said this once, because even though i don’t believe in “cursing” myself (i can’t find the correct spelling, but it sounds like -gynx- the only name that was related to that was a por….you get the idea) i don’t want to say it again in case it does happen, but if they EVER think about changing Pirates of the Caribbean, i will be MAD. My favorite rides are Pirates, (Terror), space mountain and splash mountain. I have no problem with splash mountain though, because i don’t recall that ride being in a movie at all. Even though the song is catchy.

I did watch the pirate ride in a youtube video from Portuguese (and a day later i notice the video says Shanghai…why did i think of the other i don’t know why, but sorry!), and it was AWESOME, those people are thoroughly spoiled on that ride. I was so amazed by the animation, screens that made it look like you were right in the movie. The only thing i HATED but am not mad that it was included because it was a big part of one of the movies was the Craken.  Big monsters have always scared me, and since they included the deep sea monster echoing the moaning and groaning, i had to mute it quickly in the video until i didn’t hear it. But it was still there after the noise ( just imagine if i as on the ride and saw it in PERSON?? Id have a heart attack)

The ride Indiana Jones has that big snake. The first time i went on it and saw it i freaked out and actually yelled at it. I was very unsettled about it. But, since i still liked that ride (despite the spider crawled  wall, im also terrified of those) i like the movies so i go on it anyways. The spider scene is very short and doesn’t made a lot of noise for long. This is in California, Disneyland, Anaheim.

We always stay for 3 days. Rides all on the first and second day, some window shopping so we know what we want to buy on the last day. So we won’t have to carry a ton of stuff all 3 days. Its all in one day. What i realized too late (years later) is a useful way to hold all the souvenirs is to not carry them in a bag, but to bring a backpack….so..whenever the next time i go, i will do just that. A good sturdy comfy one on sale, of course.

Ive wanted to go back in 2013 and ever since then. But, 6 years later means the price has gone up too much. To buy tickets and hotel, its about $2,000 for FOUR ADULTS. So, of course, if we were 10 and younger, it would be less. Even with only 2 of us kids instead of 3, its still pretty expensive. My plan was to gradually save up a lot for a trip. But because my money has been short for months, it will be a couple years until i save enough for the whole family. I get $448 a month on SSI. One thing my dad noticed he did a mistake on was not counting the cost of ALL the food. Not only snacks, but meals. So when i did research i did it in my paranoid way.

I added  the most expensive meals 4 times for each meal-3 for all 3 days. Even though we never did that or will. So, the most expensive meals were around $35, and another $10 (that’s what i remember from last time) for an extra plat for sharing. So i added that 4 times (mom dad brother and i) for 3 days. And then the souvenirs would be included as one of the meals taken out. So, if i wrote down each four family members ate $35 meals 3 times a day for 3 days, i took the money from one of those meals for all 3 days and turned that into other money.

Some restaurants i wanted to go to last time i checked online what type they were, because we don’t go looking through all of them) Some were specific party-planned, some were mainly bars for adults, and some where pure headache causing sugar rushes, and some where party themed (princess lunch type thing) So i excluded those.

I did have around $60 in a jar for that purpose,but then i had to use it for something important. So, to give you an idea, if i get $488 a month, and use a large amount for food (cashew milk is twice as much as cow milk) shampoo, toilet paper, expensive special cat food, then i don’t have much left over. So that ends the Disneyland vent for now…

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Trolls 5*

So i have been watching all the trailers, favorite scenes and song scenes for the movie Trolls .I really wanted to see it, and the scenes did have spoilers in them My mom and i were going to watch it next month with her $5 off coupon. But i found out on amazon that you can rent movies for a couple days for $ you can watch it 3 times in a row for $5 dollars. So i rented it. It was awesome, i normally don’t complain about movies AT ALL. But i noticed the dialogue was very plain. I mean, it is a kids movie, im actually not complaining about it, it was just simple. I will admit is got hypnotized by the colors. But i gave it a 5.

There’s always the super critical, unhappy, bored people who pick at every thing that they think is a flaw or that isn’t a “life lesson” nothing to learn from. Those people are a load of crap. You do know you can’t digest a movie to its bones without finding at least one flaw? Either im stupider, more ignorant, or more forgiving and down to earth with my opinions than i think. I think those people have nothing better to do than get mad at everything they see and hear. Making big deals out of nothing.

I liked the movie, i would see it in theaters but i don’t want to play $15 for it. I will, however, pay $25 for the movie when it comes out on DVD and watch it on the big tv downstairs. Something i can do multiple times without paying each time i see it.

More movies i want to see is SING and Moana. I can’t find a “rent” for Moana, only “buy” option. So when it goes on rent, ill will rent it. I won’t buy them, however, because i won’t be able to bring the DVD with me anywhere. Ill have to be logged into Amazon and i can’t do that out on the road with no wifi or using up cellular data like water and being over data.

Posted in Body, food, Sewing

Sleep, websites, weight

So 2 nights ago I went to sleep around 3, slept till 1, so really I didn’t sleep in, I woke up twice, so I slept for about 8 hours. I was worried my body would not sleep again. Last night I went to bed around 11, and slept till 10, woke up 3 times, so about 9 hours of sleep. It’s taking longer for my body to recooperate from the sleepless night about a week ago. Which is frustrating. But it’s almost noon & I need to start my day.

I haven’t vacuumed for several days which is bad since it’s a daily chore. I did most of my laundry yesterday, even though it wasn’t laundry day. I put dishes in the dishwasher and put them away since my dad fixed the dishwasher. He told mom who told me that everyone is doing dishes now since the dishwasher is working. I guess that’s his view, not mine. I realized my mom took the trash out of my bathroom despite the fact that day was the day I was going to do it, yet she did it. I assume she got easily frustrated and did it for me, or instead of me. I hate that because it doesn’t give me 2 seconds to do it at all. Just like dishes in the sink, telling me to collect all the dishes around the kitchen, I told her that’s what I’m doing, putting ALL the dishes away. She realized she needed to shut up and leave. She’s been doing that a lot. Even with my brother.

(This paragraph is graphic so if you have a weak stomach, skip to next one) The other day my mom and brother went to get groceries. The road was icy, she opened the back door as usual without being careful and slipped on the ground. She landed on her butt and her head actually opened up and needed 7 stitches. There was blood. Then yesterday she decided to change the kitchen light bulb. On a chair with nothing to balance on. Kyle & I freaked out and told her to get down. She doesn’t realize a stitched scalp is serious. My brother is about 6″3 so it was easy for him to do it. Oh, and she was trying to change it with the light ON. I told her under my breath that it’s comment sense not to do something like that. Then she decided to stop and go do something else. While Kyle & I were changing the light with it off, we gave each other a “did she really just do that?” look. I didn’t say this, but if dad come in and found mom like we did, he would have been furious. So she was lucky is was just Kyle & I. I ordered shoe spikes on Amazon for my mom so she won’t slip on icy roads. They come the 18th. She shouldn’t be able to slip with them on.

I’m slowly building a new website for my diet and exercise. Keeping rack of what’s in the food I eat. I made a list of what’s in veggies and fruit. What each vitamin does, and meat alternatives. It’s lunch time, so I need to go make something. I should be using my fitness pal, I might. Just don’t want to notice my weight change. Only my measurements. Want to lose between 24-48 lbs by end of June. For the regional convention. I am doing good with strengthening my hips which has a lot of fat, along with my waist. If I can get my waist and hips smaller, that will be great. Look less like a blob. I may just stick with making skirts for myself because I don’t know what size my chest will be, don’t want something that doesn’t want me.



Posted in Uncategorized

Body acceptance

I’ve seen that floating around the web a lot. I understand that you shouldn’t care what others say to you about you. That you shouldn’t let a number on the scale or clothes define who you are. But, there IS a point where you have to stop and think- how fat am I going to get until accepting turns into health issue? Being obese isn’t healthy. If you’re active and overweight then that’s great.

But some photos I’ve saved to my phone are of ignorant women who use the stupidest reasons why we should accept fat people. As simple as “because I love eating” while they’re wearing a top with donuts on it & sitting in a wheelchair. Really? You can’t use this as an excuse to eat your healthy away. There was another picture of a women eating a whole cake & the caption said “how dare you judge me by my weight!” And the other caption is about the doctors advice to stop & get healthy because of how close you are to having healthy problems and getting diabetes. That’s not judging, that’s looking at your healthy and telling you the outcome if you don’t stop (being ignorant) and do something about it.

I am overweight. I want to get to a healthy weight for me, where I know I’ll have more energy, have clothes that fit. I’ve had body issues my whole life. I was thin but developed early. And I was told to always be careful about attention that I ended up never getting because I slouched so much and got confused. From 16 to now I’ve gained another me. I don’t like how I look. If I did, if I had confidence and didn’t care what others though then that’s good. But if my doctor told me I’m at risk with my healthy I’m not going to get mad that they’re only saying that because of my size. I’m going to listen, it’s my healthy, it’s a doctor not some rude person on the side of the road saying you’re ugly and need to cover up.

I know I’ll have a lot of body positive people thinking their own thoughts about this post. That’s fine, that’s you, but it seems like some are using this as an excuse to get as fat as they want without carrying about what they put in their mouth….


This post was months ago and i still see it- people walking around expressing their style but it just doesn’t look good. As in, your size does look dangerous. Not saying you have to lose weight because I saw you look fat, but i think in general being obese isn’t healthy. On one show this obese women says she has an illness that makes it easy to gain and hard to lose. But, she has proven that eating right and exercising does make her lose weight. So, if she can do it and also shows that when she simply stops that the weight packs on again, why can’t you? I’m not being a hypercrate, i need to lose weight too. But IM not using “i love my body” as an excuse. I don’ love my body. I have issues. Just what i see on the web too.

I’ve also seen posts where girls say they are healthy with prove from their doctors even though their weight according to their BMI is obese. Yes, if i see someone who looks obese, i’m going to assume you’re unhealthy. My sister is underweight, yet she’s naturally skinny. No matter how much she eats, she just can’t gain. So people might view her as anorexic. But, she doesn’t have the symptoms. Thin hair, obviously boney, frail. So, it is hard to not judge. But i think its human nature to worry and care. So i do worry when i see obese people. Especially when they wear tops with food on them in a wheelchair. Or when a lady says shes to stubborn to change so we should be “fat accepting”.

Some women have been fat their whole life’s and finally accept themselves. But, have they tried to be fit at some point? When i hear stories, it doesn’t seem like they put effort in. So they SEEM to go along with “i agree with body acceptance (at any size)” sometimes. And when you see naturally skinny people like my sister, whose 5″7, it does apply. But then you have anorexic’s who are never satisfied with their looks. That’s another post. But, the fat accepting people do get mad at us “worrying” people. Don’t blame us, you’re kinda putting yourselves out there. So people are going to voice their opinions on you. No, i don’t know the original start of all this fuss. So, if i’m viewing something wrong, its only what i’m observing.

Posted in Uncategorized

Today in my mind (updates)

A week ago i ended up with a tear duct infection that starts with the letter D and is a very long word. I’ve had it before years ago. It was so much easier to get rid of this time. For a week my tear duct got tender and my eye watered a lot. The night it got yellow green pus coming out i went to urgent care. My dad though i had it for days and got made i touched the mirror and the bathroom sink and so on. I told him i JUST saw it come out. I thought it was tears and then found that yucky mess. So he gave me anti-bacterial hand soap and told me to touch nothing…as if i don’t know what to do. What made me happy and actually impressed my dad was the night i went to bed after i got prescribed antibiotics. I had a mini trash bag around the post of my bed, the hand sanitizer and tissue so if i needed to wipe my eye it would be safe. I felt like bragging that i thought of something before he did. But i felt guilty about feeling that way, which if i did it would have been extremely rude. I’m almost done taking my antibiotics. Unlike last time, i didn’t really have severe diarrhea. Last time it was horrible and lasted about 4 or more weeks. This time it was light and lasted a couple weeks. I know its because i was eating lots of yogurt. Last time i didn’t but this time i did it as soon as i woke up and went to bed. The eye was better after 2 days on it and i take it for 10 days, so a few days left or so. Which means there was a day i couldn’t do any chores because my eye was so gooped up i couldn’t do anything without clearing it up.
Then days after that, i did’t sleep for one night because my body decided to not cooperate with the sleep meds. Third time in 3 months. So i let my counselor know so she emailed my med dr about changing them. Changing the sleep meds is always a nightmare. Because sleep can be the hardest to deal with for me. When i first got sleep problems at 17/18 i tried 10 different meds and they all made me drowsy but not tired. The last change i got was adding an anti-nightmare med in the mix. So, since i just can’t get to sleep, maybe increase the “regular” sleep med up or add another one at a low dose. Because i’m not having nightmares, so i don’t need those meds increased.
Which means i also had that day where i literally just lay on my bed with my cat on my lap. The following day with no sleep means i feel buzzed, light headed, surreal, and my body tingles like my heart beat is fast and i feel it everywhere. Last time i felt sick because my body was so active without doing anything so i had to eat popcorn and have sprite to calm down. It takes up to a week to fully recuperate. Its been about a week since then. Surprisingly, ive been getting up around 10 or sooner. I always get up at noon or later. So, i guess somehow not sleeping for a night made my body start waking up at a decent time instead of sleeping in till noon or later. Which is what i always want. To wake up around 10 or so.

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Getting to it-independance

So i am getting closer to keeping my area clean. My dad and brother come home at midnight. So i have enough time to make my bathroom clean in my dad’s mind. I vacuumed past 2 days. And i will vacuum again today. I need to continue washing my laundry, or put them away since i dried them last night. I was afraid i would mess up my planner, and i kind of did. In the weekend part i wrote to do my laundry. Even though i do it more than once a week. So, i think i my just add notes to my daily chores that i did extra. As long as i do every daily chores. I made my bed, need to scoop the litter. Freshen cats water.
I washed most of the dishes. Soaking some. Then wash the rest. Some are in my room i need to take out as a daily chore. The dishwasher is still broken so when my dad comes home hes going to fix it. It takes much longer to hand wash them, and its annoying. The time the dishwasher takes to wash them i could be doing other chores. So i’m letting them air dry.
I’m doing new cleaning techniques for my room. For example with my clothes; if i see something that doesn’t make me happy, toss it. If i like it and i want to wear it again then keep it. So the stuff i don’t want to wear again or haven’t for 6 months to a year, get rid of it. Just get RID OF IT. That’s my biggest problem. “But i will wear it soon”…no, months is not soon.
Same with random stuff around my room. I journal, but i don’t want 5 extra ones that are too small for my preference. So, get rid if them. Get rid of any decoration that isn’t sentimental. No matter how pretty it is. When i first did my room makeover, i got stuff i wanted. Now realizing i have so much stuff from friends and family, i don’t have room for other things. I have 3 dolls and 4 stuffed animals from my grandma. Then a stuffed animal from my dad, owl figurine, Winnie the Pooh musical box, 4 fairy figurines, 2 large cat figurines, 4 tiny cat figurines, Toroto coin purse and a tiny Tinkerbell fake perfume. Then a small glass thing (clear glass shaped like a tea cup) with a orange flower inside from a friend.
Some of these things i got as a gift, others i “inherited” from my passed grandma. Including jewelry and a jewelry box.
Now i could get rid of some of this stuff, but i don’t want to. My grandma died at the worst point in my life. So having all these things she owned makes me feel closer. I see these things everyday in my room. And i want it to be like that. I don’t want pictures because that’s too emotional for me.
So my mom comes home at either at 2 or 2:30, i need to have the whole kitchen clean before she gets home. But i wanted to start this post. So, i will finish this post here.
Once you start with a new year, do your goals and you be happy you did. And just keep it up.

Posted in Organizing

January 1st 2017

New year, attempts to do things again, going to be less harsh on myself. I bought a large planner that I’m writing daily chores in, weekly and monthly. Every few hours I continue to fill it out. I accidentally got a June to July one. Obviously I didn’t look for January to December because that’s the most common one. But I was able to re-number it. I would have returned it but it was clearance.
So my room was in ready condition to be vacuumed today. But then my mom flung all the laundry downstairs in my room- a mix of towel, clean and dirt laundry. So i had to dump it all on my bed and sort it all out. I know she was only trying to help get the bathroom clean, but the way she handled it was annoying.
I went to the Sunday meeting. Just so happens it’s on the first. My goal is to make it once a month. Out of 4. Going to the Kingdom Hall of Jehovahs witnesses. I won’t say anymore incase some don’t want to hear more. But that being one of my goals is going good for now.
As long as you start, then you’re on the road to success. If you plan on running 30 minutes each day but only walk 15, that’s still something. So count it. Some goals

-lose weight
-finish sewing projects (3 skirts, 4 dresses)
-make it to 3 day regional convention in July
-prove independent consistently

Last night I heard no fireworks. I don’t participle in that, but it’s the first time I only heard 2..did anyone else have fireworks? Only mentioned it because it seemed odd.

Posted in food, Uncategorized

Why do I feel worried?

The subject is keeping things clean to prove my independence. So my parents want me to prove I can live on my own by doing what I need to do (cooking) and prevent messes. But, when you have mood swings, it’s hard to keep everything in your territory clean. My room is currently undergoing sections cleaning. I’m almost done cleaning the bathroom again. My dad gets easily frustrated. So when he saw my bathroom the other day my mom said he wasn’t happy with what he saw. I looked….there wasnt much on the floor. Some clothes, 2 garbage bags and tiny bit of random stuff. But I cleaned it. I just need to take the trash out tomorrow. Over here it gets pitch black around 5. And I hate the dark. So I have to wait till tomorrow.
The thing that confuses me why I’m worried when I clean my room is because I’m supposed to. It’s my job to prove. But when I do it, I feel like I’m doing anything else but that. I don’t understand. Maybe it’s because I subconsciously think that they think I’m only cleaning because they want me to so I do it. But I know I love having a clean space, and it’s healthy for my old cat, so why don’t I keep it clean? Mood swings of inconsistency? I lose owe track of time & before I know it a pile of crap starts to form?? Doesn’t anyone else feel like this??
Then again, with all the following reasons together: no one is trying to prove their independence. No one is trying to move out when they’re in their 20’s. No one else needs to get away from their parents to feel like they can do better than just “sit” all day with SSI (supplemental security income) ( I do more than sit)
I may need help going places since I don’t drive because I’m too stressed to deal with idiots. I may not be able to do phone calls by myself, I may not be able to go into stores alone because of social anxiety and fear of judgment & insecure. But I still have that basic human need that I can do things without my parents help.
I’ve been doing horrible at cooking my own meals. But I’ve successfully made an omlettel with in a week 3 times. I will have a separate post oabout food. I will say I’m not a vegetarian or a vegan. But I do watch a lot of videos of people encouraging it and the benefits. I know it. So please don’t prep your speeches or anything else. Just don’t read it. Saying that, I might post pics of meat or eggs. Don’t want to offend anyone. I’m not that ignorant.